Find Yourself & Who The Hell YOU Are

The older I get, the more I believe I should've been a therapist. Not one that hands out drugs, but one that gives you a solid dose of reality. Who makes you put in the work. All in the sake of your best interest to helping you find your true self. 

For many of us, we all have childhood trauma. Whether your parents abandoned you, made you live up to hefty expectations, wasn't necessarily "present" in your life, were alcoholics or drug addicts...whatever your negative story is of your childhood, it's your trauma. 

They say that you often hold onto the negative of your childhood and hardly remember the good, due to the trauma. If that's you....listen up!

For me, my childhood trauma is the fact that I was the oldest, the only girl and had three younger brothers. We all played sports. However, I was often at a friends house sleeping over so I can make the game the next morning. My parents chose to go watch my brothers, for whatever reason. I felt abandoned.

Throughout my healing journey, I had to go back to the moments. I had to feel those moments. Be present in the moments. I had to understand how I felt in those moments. 

I was sad my parents weren't on the sidelines of my soccer game. I was upset that my parents said they'd be at my game and was disappointed when I'd look over behind the bench and they never shown up. There was one time, I had a heat stroke. Some of the Moms put me under the bleachers, covered me in cold wash rags and made me chug Gatorade so I could cool down. Another time, I was on second base and had gotten stung! A mom grabbed a packed of cigarettes, took the nicotine out, got it wet and put it on the back of my knee so it would stop stinging! Or the one time we won a championship soccer game...my parents weren't there to celebrate with me! I knew I wasn't alone, but I sure as hell felt alone in the moment. All I wanted was my Mom there.

Growing up throughout my childhood, I'd make mental notes of shit my parents did to me or how they treated to me and I'd just say "If I ever have kids, I'll be at every practice. Every game." Or "if my kiddo is having a bad day, we are going to sit down, talk about it and then have some fun"....

Now, at the age of almost 42, I no longer have a relationship with anyone in my family: parents or brothers. 

You might ask yourself why....There's been times throughout my entire life, that I needed them, for whatever reason. They had the chance to show up for me. The chose not to. However, when they needed someone to show up for them, I was the first fucking one there and didn't leave until I knew it was going to be ok. 

For instance, with my last two pregnancies, I had hyperemesis. If you don't know what that is, I was vomiting, couldn't gain weight, at one time had lost 12 pounds in two weeks. I was sent to the hospital on both occasions, got a PICC line for 24/7 zofran and iv fluid. Both my Sister In Laws, took care of the girl(s) during these periods in my life. When I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and couldn't leave until I gained weight. 

My family never once came over to help me with dinner, the laundry, the girls or fuck even just to sit with me.

Again. They abandoned me when they could've very easily shown up.

The last time, I had "exploratory" foot surgery. My Mom was watching all three kiddos. The oldest had strep and couldn't go to school. I shit you not, I received a text from my Mother, while I was in surgery, asking me when I was going to be home!

Bro. I'm in surgery. I can't respond. You know this!

Oh and to make this story even better, I was laid up in bed as my surgery was a week before Thanksgiving. My (ex) husband had made his way through cooking Thanksgiving dinner, by himself, with the help of me laying in bed answering his cooking questions! They could all sure as hell show up to eat the free dinner, but, didn't stay long enough to help clean. So there's that!

For me, I'm a giver. If you ask anyone who knows my family and I, they will say I'm "the milk mans kid" or "you've always been the black sheep of the family". They aren't wrong!

Now, as a parent myself of 3 children of my own, I realize you can't be in 4 places at the same time. However, the time spent can be divided up. My expectations for myself is this: do the best you can. Be supportive. Be present.

Why do I share all of this with you? 

Because this. Everyone has a story. Not a lot of people will tell it. 1. Because they are embarrassed 2. They don't know what to do with it. 

All you have to do is, take action. Any action. 

If you have something on your heart, get it out. Share it with a friend. A neighbor. A therapist. Anyone. 

Go back to how you felt as a child. How you truly felt in those moments. Why? Because it helps you heal. What you carry with you from your childhood, because you haven't healed, carries into your adulthood and relationships, whether with your children, your spouse, friendships. It shows up.

For me, it was abandonment. Going through relationships in life, I know not everyone who enters my life is going to stay. And that's ok. Those are moments in life that are there to teach you a lesson. The only way you know what the lesson is, is to keep your heart open and your eyes on reality. 

I tell everyone who has ever entered my life, I have abandonment issues. The only way I can work on that is to be open and honest. If you give me a reason to believe you are abandoning me: cheating, being sneaky, not communicating, constantly asking for help but can't be there for me if I ask, I will end the relationship. No matter friendship, business, romantically. I don't give a fuck.

You might be asking yourself "why is she this way?" Because it's how I've been since I was 17 years old. I left home. I've done life pretty much by myself since then. Even when I was "married" I was still doing life alone and raising the kids. If someone coming into my life can't  1. help me be a better person 2. support me emotionally 3. want to build a better life 4. is constantly taking things from me 5. be there for me in hard times....I don't need it! 

I've never told my parents any of this. Why? Because they don't deserve it. There's been other stories I can share with you, maybe I will at some point and time...but, the negative far outweighs the positive. 

Throughout my divorce journey, I had to become selfish. For not only myself, but most importantly for my children. I had to fight like hell to become the person that I am today. 

 

Back then I was:

• closed off
• didn't know who the hell I was
• depressed as hell
• had no direction in life outside of being a Mom
• was dealing with more shit than anyone could think of
• starting my life entirely over
• had zero, and I mean zero, fucking confidence
• only a Mom

With all the soul searching. Healing. Hard work. I can now tell you who I am to a T!

The Good

• I have a lot of love to give.
• I love hard.
• I love to work.
• I love spending time with my kiddos, they are my best friends!
• I enjoy cooking, whether to bring you recipes, spend time with the kids in the kitchen, entertaining...I simply enjoy cooking!
• I'm a bad ass at what I do working with Business Owners and Food Bloggers! 
• I say this all the time: I have a big ass mouth, but my heart is bigger.
• I will help anyone who ASKS for it. 
• If I fuck up, I will apologize, learn from the lesson and won't make the same mistake twice.
• For the most part, right now in the moment, my life is a complete fucking mess....but I'm happy with where my life is heading!
• I use failures in business, as a lesson learned and grow. I never take it to heart and I keep trying.
• I NEVER give up.
• I will find a way, no matter what.
• I'm persistent. 
• I just get shit done, no matter what it is.
• If I don't know it, I'll learn it!
• If I have to "chase you" (business, friend or relationship) I don't need you.
• I've learned to stop worrying so much. That took A LOT of work! Now I only worry about those under my roof!

I simply "don't give a fuck" on others perspective of me...not sure if that's good or bad!

The Bad

• I need to work on my self-esteem & realize I'm not "that person" anymore physically. Mentally. Or emotionally.
• Learning to give myself grace.
• Realizing I don't need to do EVERYTHING. Right now.
• Understanding to control the things I can control and letting all the other shit go that I can't.
• Recognizing that not everyone goes...that there are a few good people on this Earth who truly do want the best for the kids and I.
• I give others more chances than they deserve.

If you've made it this far, I hope that this part of my story has helped you. Opened up your eyes to your own childhood trauma. Leads you in a direction to heal your heart by putting in the work. 

By putting in the work it just doesn't mean recognizing what your childhood trauma is. It's recognizing, that 1. you were a child. 2. it wasn't your fault how your parents treated you 3. understanding where the trauma came from. 4. How you felt in the moment (s) 5. How you can overcome your childhood trauma and work on not allowing it to affect anymore of your days. Once you recognize ALL the things, I promise it will help you Find Yourself & Who The Hell YOU Are!

If you want help, want to tell your story, feel free to drop a comment below or shoot me an email to Marci@MarciRenee.com!