When I left my almost 25 year relationship (10 years married), all I knew was that I wasn't happy. I met the kids dad right out of high school. I had my oldest daughter at the age of 25. I never had my "party years" as I skipped college (that I'll talk about in another post...).
Once I left, things were quiet. I didn't tell anyone, not even my best of friends, that I had left my marriage. That I left with nothing. That I was starting all over. I was lost.
All I knew was how to be a Mom. How to run successful businesses.
Outside of that, I didn't know where I was headed. What pages I needed to turn next, nor the things I'd be faced going through a horrid divorce.
So, I got into the gym! That's what we do after a breakup right? Every morning at 7 am I was at the gym. If I didn't have the kids and didn't feel like going out, I'd hit the gym up again. It became my safe place. A place to take all the feelings out. A place to clear my head.
As I was going through this divorce and the word got out about what was truly happening behind closed doors, I began to get my voice back.
You see, in my marriage I took care of the kids. The house. Hustled on the side. It's all I knew. I was with the children every second of every day. As I began to tell parts of my story, to multiple groups of people, I realized that I needed to dig deep. I had become this isolated woman who simply took care of the house and the kids. I had lost my voice, my sassiness, my get shit done attitude.
I needed to heal.
I began reading. Doing the research. Putting in the work. It was A LOT.
If you take the time to heal, big rewards await you.
It all starts at your childhood. We all have childhood trauma. For me, that childhood trauma was my parents pawning me off to friends to take me to games or practices. At the time I thought it was cool that I was never home, I was always sleeping over at friends houses. As I got older and they weren't there, I vowed to myself, that if I were ever blessed to have children, I'd never leave them. I'd never pawn them off onto others. They were my responsibility and my responsibility solely.
Now see this is where the work comes into play. I had to take myself back to those times to feel how I felt when my parents weren't at a game. I was sad. I was disappointed, I didn't feel like I belonged in my family. While all the other girls on the team had their parents and some of them had their grandparents show up to cheer them on, I very rarely had family cheering me on. I felt like I was never a priority and that they'd always choose my brothers over me.
I was never good enough, when in reality, I was more than good enough!
At the age of 17, I graduated high school. I didn't feel like I was apart of my "family". My parents put me on notice that they'd be charging me $500 a month in rent. I had turned down a full ride scholarship to play fast pitch a month before. So they tell me this after the fact. I was furious.
I began searching options and found an apartment 15 minutes away for $250 a month more. As I was signing the lease, the Apartment Manager realized I was only 17. I had to get my parents permission to move in. So, it took me a few days, but my Mom finally signed the papers.
I became an adult overnight. I got a job making really good money with some of the best hours you could have as a newly graduated high school student. My friends helped me gather things for my apartment. I simply felt that this was my parents way of finally making me go away. I resented them for how they treated me. How I was never a priority and how I felt like I was competing for their love. As their only daughter you would've thought I would've been treated differently....
Fast forward to adulthood....
After several years of being depressed. Pretending to be happy. Putting on a show for friends and family. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I had began sleeping on the couch the last year of my marriage. T would sleep with me, I'd put her in her bed and she'd come running back down the hallway shortly after.
There was a night I heard her little feet coming down the hallway. As I pulled her up on the couch, I asked myself "What would you do if your girls were in this situation and felt how you are feeling?". My immediate answer was to run and run as far away and as quickly as possible.
It was in that moment I told myself as soon as I had $50K stacked, I was leaving. I began to prepare my exit strategy. I didn't know where I was going or where I was headed. All I knew is that I didn't want to be this miserable woman any longer. I had to be better for my children. Be an example to my children of what a healthy relationship looks like.
A man only changes for the right woman.
It was when I was working on the childhood trauma and realized in my romantic relationships I never felt like I was good enough. I was accused of always wanting more, never being happy, etc. At the end of the day, I'm an amazing person and the men I've been with were 1. cheaters 2. want to be with a woman who NEEDS him. That's simply not me. I have never needed a man, I've wanted a man, there's a huge difference.
I realized I still had work to do. I was made to feel like I wasn't good enough. I take care of everyone and everything and there's not been a single person to ever take care of me - mentally, physically or emotionally. I've always been the one to make myself happy. And while that's great. Life isn't meant to be done alone.
Living life is about making memories. Devoting uninterrupted time with the people in your life who matter. Cherishing special moments and making every day count.
After my first serious relationship (after my marriage) ended, I felt lost. I felt like I would never be good enough. I was cheated on by a "man" who also needed to heal from his childhood trauma and the PTSD that went untreated. However, I am only responsible for myself and my actions....if that meant I was to be alone forever and die a crazy cat lady (I hate cats by the way!), I was ok with it.
The last year has been me focusing on myself. My children. My business. It has taught me that as a woman and as a Mother it's simply okay to be selfish at times in your life. You have to make yourself a priority and make yourself happy. If you aren't making yourself happy, you can't make anyone else happy.
Years ago I read that you should surround yourself with 33% of people you can teach, 33% of people you can learn from and 33% of people who are similar and like minded as you.
I began cutting off anyone who didn't serve me. People who were seemingly always toxic, were never the problem, used me for whatever reason. The last year has been quiet. Lonely. I spent the holidays by myself. Have hustled harder than ever. I was finally at peace with my life. With the company that I kept. I was going to be okay.
Then, one night as I was getting ready to watch a football game, I got a knock at my front door and my life has forever been changed. I was handed a man who loves me for me, supports me no matter what, simply just knows how to love me and what I need. We literally enjoy being together and I deserve him!
We were inseparable in high school and since that night, we've been inseparable again. This is our shot at real love. For finally being happy. For living the life that we both deserve because we are amazing people. We are both healed. I know I'm good enough, because I'm an amazing person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I deserve to be so incredibly happy!
It's cliche to say, but, people say you meet your person:
- When you least expect it.
- At the lowest spot in your life.
- In the right timing.
He just so happened to get it all! And he wanted to love me anyway. That's a man you hold onto because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's because of this man, his love and his support that I'm excited again about life, about growing this business, putting myself out there to help others, inspire and support you and make this into a community that is so powerful and full of love that we can get through anything together.
If you want to reach out, tell your story, need motivation or advice, please feel free to message me at anytime. If I can just help one person on this journey of mine, my mission will be accomplished!
Morale of the story: Take the time to heal. To know yourself. To love who you are as a person. At the end of the day, you attract who you are: if you are healed, you will attract others who are healed and will be amazing for you. If you don't take the time to heal, want to dwell in your misery, that's the company you're going to continue to keep.
